How to eat a pizza

During my debate about pineapple on pizza, I unwittingly found myself entering another debate – one I had never actually realised was even a controversy. What’s the proper way to eat pizza? It’s such a simple question, one that I’d always thought only had one answer to. Turns out, we all believe our way is the right way. It actually, (believe it or not), supposedly reflects our personality.

I’ll start with the most obvious – in my opinion: the only right way. This is eating from the tip to the crust. Not only is this just the obvious way to eat a pizza but it’s also the traditional way and therefore the right way. I don’t understand why it’s even up for debate as it follows the clearly logical progression of the narrow end to the wide end of the slice. The crust is practical and serves as a handle for the best dining experience as well as convenient as reduces the need for other utensils and cutlery. Apparently, those who do this are known as ‘careful conductors’, they know what methods and experiences works for them so stick to it. This is actually pretty accurate for me.

Then we have one of the worst in my opinion. The crust-first method. Utter disgust. This technique makes absolutely no sense to me as is impractical and messy. They believe that by eating a pizza slice in reverse is saving the best until last. These types of people are known as ‘influencers’ who like to be different from their peers. They like to be in the spotlight and have a flair for the drama.

The next method I’ve unfortunately witnessed many times, some even in my own home. This is the flip-it-over-and-eat method. This method, despite being disgusting to witness, I must admit is quite convenient while also providing an opportunity for a less messy eating session as toppings are trapped. This allows your pizza to be eaten onehanded, so people are able to multitask while also halving the time taken to consume one slice, (although why you’d want to rush your pizza experience is beyond me). These types of people are known as ‘drivers’ and spend most of their time multitasking. They don’t like to waste time so eat their pizza quickly while doing something else. This tends to mean they often get bored easy.

Another method is the knife-and-fork method. While most people judge those who eat pizza this way, I do find myself doing it sometimes. This method keeps your hands clean and neat as to avoid getting toppings everywhere as well as allows you to spend longer savouring each flavourful bit. This method calls for ‘supporters’ who are the warm and friendly listeners of life. These types of people tend to be careful and polite, approaching life with a systematic plan while also having the patience to carry it out.

Then, of course, we have the crust-ditcher method. I can’t understand why people leave their pizza crust when it’s essentially just a soft breadstick – but to each his own, I guess. My dad’s personal favourite method (perhaps just to spite me) entails people to eat the main part of the pizza, however, discard their crust on their plate before helping themselves to their next slice. These people are known as the ‘high maintenance’, they know what they want and aim to achieve it.

It’s weird how our society thinks so deeply about people’s personal opinions on how things should and shouldn’t be done.